I feel lost

and very much unsure of my next move

Don't call me sexy, Call me beautiful

Sexy is define as finding another erotically attractive. I don't want to be the object of someones sexual thoughts. If someone of the opposite sex calls another sexy I immediately think their thoughts are about bedding them. Either that are they don't have much of an diction.

#just thinking

Listen to:

Aloe Blacc "I'm beautiful"

The song hook goes
"Say, I'm beautiful and special and I think it's about time I tell you this. I'm gonna to be the best me that I know how to be."

This song came across my tumblr dash about an hour ago. I'm just like "I found another anthem"

I repeat this in the mirror from time to time. In the last few years I've been drumming that into my head so that I believe it, especially on those days I don't feel so beautiful. Everyday I feel more and more beautiful.

I'm going to sleep smiling in my granny getup = flannel to floor nightgown + hair bonnet over my messy fro

Private Party intro adlib

"I'm having a private party
Ain't no body here but me, my angels, and my notebooks

Scribing ' baby look how far we've come
I'm havin' a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I'm becoming"

Be Inspired

isn't that moment you get inspired so dope
Shuffle/ press play/ India Arie "Private party" plays/ select song to repeat
This becomes my shower music. Waters flowing, a time to clear my head and think. Private party in every way. I've got ideas eventually I'll find words to put something together to write something "Floetic".
The topics: life/ love/ self-esteem/ old me vs current me/ being/ becoming etc.
I've got an idea for a self portrait to go with it too. I'm thinking a photos that says I embrace & celebrate my body the way it is. Make it sexy but tasteful Make it classy. all me as is, the good and bad

Private Party Series is underway 

I want to go back

     Back to July 24th 2010 2:54am, I couldn't sleep. I was just buzzing with energy. Life felt good. My time was just about up. You see it was 5 hours: 6 minutes: 28 seconds until I bursted through the clouds. After keeping a count down for weeks the day finally came. Fleeing images ingrain in my psych. I can still feel every fiber of my being tingle and vibrate with sensations.
     Fresh air engulf my lungs the same moment the warm summer heat slammed into me. In wide eye amazement I stood committing everything to memory. The gentle breeze felt so intimate (lovers touch). I felt alive for the first time. Sunset and it was pitch black
     No time to sleep in, the sun woke me with a start. Spirits and laughter kept me basking on the grainy surface of Simpson bay. Ever blue waters trickling down my spine. Every tide overtook my body. The days give way to peaceful slumber
     Can I go back? I left a part of myself there. Part psych overflows with images of those 8 days 7 nights 9 hours and 12 minutes. I was in another mind set.
     Ripping through the clouds I touched down. Jarred back into reality. As shrilling tones pierced the air. An orchestration of unrestrained gadgets went off in unity. Irritatingly insisting my immediate attention. My phone rung I wanted to go back to the 12,072 minutes, this Driod didn't.
     Tear drops escape me. Reality floods me as good news and bad news has arrived. Purple luggage lead the way. The air is different {not so pure}. Polluting my nostrils and developed in my lungs. Yellow cabs, smoky air, Empire State build, subway, buses, People too busy to utter a simple "Hello; Good day".
     This is home, then why do I want to go back. To everything that made me feel alive {an individual}. I left my foot steps on a little island in the Caribbean but I bought memories back. That should be enough until the next time the count down begins again.

Press the link

The view of where I was literally our unit was right there by the frame the pool is in. The other frame is the same view I saw every morning from the balcony of the unit we were in.
It so cool that I can see this. I remember everything & a tad bittersweet that I'm not there.

My first taste of freedom

Follow the link

http://www.simpsonbayresort.com/webcam.asp

What's it like

..... to fall
to meet someone and feel forever in a glance
I have no clue
I feel oddly sheltered. I don't remember if it was by choice or not anymore.

What I WANT! WANT! WANT! isn't what I NEED.

ITS BEEN A MINUTE

since I felt like writing anything here
I'm about to give it a go
I hope to get free with my words

I want to run away from this house

but there's no place to go

this is why I cry more from the verbal abuse then the physical abuse

but when I finish shedding those tears

my determination grows

to find my place where I belong

currently reading

"In love with a younger man" by Cheryl Robinson

(back cover)
"Dear World,
I'm taking a year off. Need to rediscover who I am, and what I really want out of life.

Don't wait up, Olena Day"

^^^^
SO RELEVANT!!!

Olena day is the main character.
The book isn't really focused her being in love with younger men (yes men, plural, there are two guys)

its the lessons learned from her experiences with men and in life in general

Started the book last night and I didn't go to sleep til after 3am.
been reading it off & on while I made moves around the city

I've got about 15 pages left and then i'll explain why I feel I can relate to Olena.

sidebar: I'm done with school for the moment. I can say I finished all the requirements for this associates degree. I just have to wait for my grades from these two classes, I'm 90% sure I at least passed. I'm kind of of in limbo but I'll get into that later