currently reading

"In love with a younger man" by Cheryl Robinson

(back cover)
"Dear World,
I'm taking a year off. Need to rediscover who I am, and what I really want out of life.

Don't wait up, Olena Day"

^^^^
SO RELEVANT!!!

Olena day is the main character.
The book isn't really focused her being in love with younger men (yes men, plural, there are two guys)

its the lessons learned from her experiences with men and in life in general

Started the book last night and I didn't go to sleep til after 3am.
been reading it off & on while I made moves around the city

I've got about 15 pages left and then i'll explain why I feel I can relate to Olena.

sidebar: I'm done with school for the moment. I can say I finished all the requirements for this associates degree. I just have to wait for my grades from these two classes, I'm 90% sure I at least passed. I'm kind of of in limbo but I'll get into that later

So when I came in from church, I was watching the Giants game with my father

I took a nap afterwards

I wake up, my daddy on the phone with his wife and he's tell her "I jinx'd his game"

huh! all I did was ask questions

one of them being when the game was Giants 24 to Eagles 3

all I asked was "was there a way the other team can make a come up?" and which quarter the game was in?

he said 3rd and don't jinx my game

its not my fault the Eagles put Vick on the field. The Giants let him slip through and the kicker kicked to far from the goalie thingy. Then Jackson catching it and slipped passed the Giants to make the final touch down in the last 14 seconds.

I have skills

I'm NICE

My future husband, is going to be a very happy man

its such a pain to upload anything because I have to transfer pictures from the camera to my phone (via laptop) because somethings wrong with my DSL box

But I had to break out my camera to get this moment in HD before going to bed.

I have a feeling the natives (ie my family) might break into a loaf before I wake up

Ode to how we were (as kids)

I want to back to being kids
Playing in rain
Care free jumping into puddles
It was me and you against the world
We couldn't wait for the seasons to change
We built sand castles and forts
But the walls where never too high
Because the higher the wall
The further apart we were
We built snow men and angels
We had snow ball fights where ever, when ever
These where the times of our lives
You where my best friend no matter what
I alway felt your love
Whenever I was sad
You'd find a way to make me laugh

As we grew older we lost touch
I just wanted you to know
I miss you
I miss your laugh
I miss the timber of your voice
I miss the way you use to finish my sentences
We shared the same hopes and dreams
We wanted to travel the world together

I found myself looking for you
In every eye I passed
Because I knew if I looked close enough I can see myself
I look everywhere
Over analyzed every path I took
Because I never knew which way would lead me back to you
Or further apart from you
I want to go back to the days where
We sat for hours
Just talking about everything yet nothing
As you spoke to me in low monotones
Regardless of where you were
Your voice was the first I heard in the morning
And the last I heard before I defted off to sleep

It used to be "Me, Myself and You"
Now its just "Me, Myself and.....and I'm alone"
The mind, The body, The soul
You where my soul
You where my backbone
You where my courage
You where my drive
You where my will to do more than dream
We had plans
But you got sidetracked
You just dissipated
My mind is here
I can think for myself
My body's here
Its surviving
My soul
Well I looked into the mirror today and I didn't see YOU
But I check in every fleeting reflection for you
One day I'll file the missing persons report
Because I miss your strength
I don't know when you left
But I just want you to come home

I guess a warm body (of man) to cuddle up next to

is ask to much

/I'm cold these blankets aren't helping

The lady my mommy named me after

I'm listening to Whitney Houston when she was in her prime

starting with
"All the man that I need"
"I have nothing"
"Saving all my love for you"

once I tell people my name their normal response is either "like Whitney Houston" or they try and be funny when they ask me "Where's Bobby" <_<

listen to:

Lalah Hathaway "What goes around"

I'm stronger than I was.
I'm over you,
I wish you well
but what goes around comes around

Stuff I like

When I set my music to shuffle and I don't have to skip not one song

playlist on point = me attempting to Dougie

last time I went out with my brother

He took me to this Japanese BBQ spot off Astor street

Most of food is bought to the table raw. At every table there is this open grill in the middle that we cook own food on. Its my second time going to Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ.

Foods on point
Drinks are on point
Atmosphere I loved it

I love this place can't wait to go back.

& its not too expensive

bite size cupcakes..... -Union Square

A shop in soho

Lemon Ice king

around my way..... I loved this place as a kid

random New Yorker reading in Bryant park

random shooting -last month

@the MET

Museum pic

Stuff I like

pomegranate cranberry juice

Maybe I want a fairy tale

listen to:
"Fairy tales and Castles, pt 1 & pt 2" by Chrisette Michele

(Fairy Tales And Castles Part 1)
"Make the world like a dream
Make the world like a fable
Make the world like a story
Gold at the end of rainbows

Make the world like a dream
Make the world like a fable
The world like a story
Fairy tales and castles"

(Fairy Tales And Castles Part 2 lyrics)

Everybody close your eyes
You can see the world tonight
Society is fine
And there's enough to eat

part 1
I can dream whatever my heart desires. Its ok to dream big.
part 2
Think about the whole picture. Is this reality. Can this actually happen.

I for one have an overactive imagination, fairy tales don't come true in my world but that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

Good night to whoever reads this I have to get out to the Met museum early tomorrow

lifetime movies give me life

I'm watching this movie called "A boyfriend for Christmas"

lmao if it was only so easy as sitting on Santa's lap and asking for the "perfect boyfriend"

Well lifetime made the movie

46 minutes in this movie is a trip I had to DVR it

Gold bullets

small yet powerful

(take that how you want to)

Listen to:

"When will you call" by Bilal

I love his soulful sound and this song goes well with the Jill Scott poem I posted earlier

/gotta love a man that can carry a tune

Pocket size #5 by Jill Scott

I didn't dial your number
because I needed someone to talk to
Arms to lay in
Or sweet words to fill my ears
I didn't call you because I can't hook up my speakers
Or kill the spider above my bed
I was just wondering why
you haven't called
- from "The Moments,  the Minutes,  the Hours"
I decided to share this because I too wonder why I didn't get a call, text, or email from a guy after a period of time.
Even if its just to say "Hi" , that simply "Hi" lets me know I still matter
But my pride won't let me make the another move because........

if he couldn't spare 1 minute of his day to reach out to me WHY SHOULD I BOTHER

One more thing

Someone got me for my BOWTIE
 I looked everywhere for that thing before I left the MET club and when I got to daddys

I really think that old lady I was working the same party with; picked it up in the locker room when i was changing

sneaky old bat

Just got home from Work

My back hurts. It would be so amazing if I had someone waiting for me. So he could massage my back

eh.... anyways

My scheme to get my father to let me stay at his house for a night, worked.
I'm the youngest of 4, his "baby" even though I'm of age. He still treats me like a baby.
For example if he knows I'm working late at catering job in the city, its better for me to stay uptown at his house. Instead of going all the way into Queens at a late hour.
I told him I was working. I never know exactly what time I'm signing out at. I come in at my call time and stay until the end of my event.
My father knows this and since he's working tonight, it can be an easy "Yes Whitney you can stay". But I had to closed the deal and reminded him i need my laptop and i need a break from everyone in my house.

Here's where I come when I want to be alone

about to watch a movie on his big flat screen/ blue ray while I twist my hair up
I think he bought "The Expendables"
Surround sound YEAH BOYYYY!!!!!

I just know there's something on his shelfs I haven't watched
And the old man mentioned cheese cake maybe its juniors strawberry cheese cake

Ya'll know i like strawberries

/randomness in the midnight hour edition 4332.

I'm all fresh and suited up in my clown suit

I have to wear a tuxedo for work

its cold New York

Nuyorican poets cafe

I want to go to a Friday night slam but its too cold to be standing outside Nuyo til 10pm or later...... whenever they start letting people in

Childhood by Ishmael Islam and Justin Long-Moton

Amber Alert by Jessica Blandon & Kamone Felix

Favorite color by Jay Davis

Ode to the female MC by Deja K. Taylor

Listen to:

Chrisette Michele "I don't know why, But I do"

first stanza

"Why do I wanna miss my train, stay in bed so late every single day

Why do I feel my heart skip a beat, when ever your next to me tell me how could this be

I don't know why I feel the way I do I really can't explain it, but I know it's true

They say that I can have it all but all I want it you

I don't know why but I do, I don't know why but I do"

listen to:

"Genuine only" by Ne-Yo

I know those days all too well
I know what it feels to be lonely

and I'm more than a tad bitter
I wish there was something else I knew

Good night

Godiva white chocolate dipped strawberries

Sound so good right now

Doesn't anything dipped in warm chocolate sound good

*le sigh

I think this post was all about chocolate men everywhere in all shades

If I knew where to take this, this could have gotten real x-rated

I've read my share of books with explicit content but I have to know what I'm talking about to go that far with my writing

Stuff I hate

missing a word or letter where it counts and I  don't catch it til hours later

like "can" was suppose to be there

Im human I make mistakes

A tad frustrated

Mess with me if you want to, I'm so ready to come out the bag on someone.
Who am I playing I talk a good game but I seriously can't fight.

SO
woo-saa...... woo-saa (rubbing my ears)

My issue:
I can't stand when a able bodied person is always asking someone to help them like their helpless.

Why am I helping you when what you really need to do is help yourself.

Have you ever seen the movie "Knowing"

Its just got me think about life and how some take it for granted.

last spring..... me with locs

my hair has always been thick and my locs were super small so you can't tell the separation between them

me before glasses with locs

Listen to:

Eric Benét "Stir it up" & "Paid"
Jazmine Sullivan "Love you long time"

that's what I'm doing my *dance shimmy two step" to

"Stir it up"
I needed that old school feel two step
don't live like your dead, live it up switch it up

"Paid"
another old school feel good sound
this song is so true, I'm going to have a come up soon its not always going to be like this

"Love you long time"
let me attempt to wine

PAUSE

NOT working

Good morning

*dance shimmy two step*

My sister just told me, my daddy bought the WII for my nephews for Christmas

LIKE REALLY THOUGH

old man getting soft buying a damn WII for babies

I don't play games but I want to try this

since he's being so generous he can buy me a new Nikon lens

but in other news:
I can't upload new pictures from my camera to my phone because I left my laptop at my father's house uptown
All in a scheme to get out my house for a couple nights

Lets talk about Virgins

I started to write about them yesterday but I got sidetracked

They still exist, I'm one. Sometimes I wonder why I choose to keep my legs closed. Like where not open for business come back another time. I'm a 22 year old virgin I'm scared of preg-nant-is. I'm VERY selective of the guys I choose to be around. Girls I grow up around, have been having babies like its nothing.  Are you allergic to condoms or something.

I think my sister is allergic to them. My sister has 3 little boys, she's only 14 months older than me. She never finished high school, those little boys are her life now. She's very much in denial, she thinks that she should have a life. She goes day by day with mood swings for whatever reason. Because its hard to do anything outside of her boys as a single parent.

I don't want that for myself. I often joke about not having kids because of nephews. They are 4/ 2 & 1, a busy bunch always getting into something. They're a lot of work, I don't want to do it solo. For me to have kids I want to be in a loving relationship and married. I don't know if that's going to happen. So its a standing joke that I say (I'm not giving my siblings nephews or nieces; my parents anymore grands; & my nephews any cousins). Which isn't true considering I've thought of names.

I've never been in a serious relationship. Had a few guys friends that never became more because they wanted something I wasn't giving.  So on both ends we part ways.

I learned if a dude even mentioned sex in regular everyday conversation within the first few weeks of knowing me. I just made my exit because NOTHING was popping off between these thighs. One guy was really into the sex talk And went so far as to tell he was going to send me a picture of "little Ricky". I was like who is Ricky, he was quiet for a second on the phone when I finally understood what he met. Like whoa don't do me any favors if I wanted to see your little Dink dink I would have asked in person (pictures don't do justice). Well maybe not back than, I was such a prune in high school

Since I've held on to it this long I might as well go all that way. Wait for the Guy I have deep "DEEP" feelings for.

I don't want to go thorough what my sisters went thorough. I have another sister in her mid 30s. Who made mistakes that I heard second hand. She doesn't have her own kids, not for the sake of trying. but I'm going to leave that one alone.

'tis all for now

& days where u can see this at the end

you can barely see the sun rise or fall, for these damn buildings

& stand on tables like this with no care (1st night on the island)

unfortunately I didn't have my Nikon yet when I went on vacation in July so i was using my fathers dinky snap & shoot cam on loan

bump NYC I want to go back to St. Maarten Netherlands Antilles
where I can wake up to mornings like this

@pelican resort that's the view from our unit

She's virgin!!!

<shocker>
YES SHE'S A VIRGIN

(I just wanted to put this idea out there and I'll elaborate later)

Music matters

listen to "If nobody sang along" by Chrisette Michele

This is what I feel my blogs are about:
If nobody reads my blogs, would I care?
At the moment, no I don't care

I have something to say. I'm writing to free myself and tell my story. As the days go on I'll get deeper into my story. Maybe one day someone will listen.

Chuggington

I'm a big kid
When my nephews are watching cartoons and I'm home. Although I maybe into my own thing messing with my phone or whatever. I could still hear the cartoons and if I hear the theme songs too often.

There's no shame in my game, I'm singing along

There was a Phineas and Ferb phase too

Facebook/ Twitter/ MySpace/ any social site

maybe even blog sites

I feel social sites cheat you out of knowing people first hand but at the same time you come across people you don't normal come in contact with every day.

What happen to meeting people the normal way? (wait a minute what is normal anyway )

I don't have any of the above social sites
-never cared for Facebook, I told facebook to give me face BACK (yes that's from a poem)
-Twitter got annoying, 140 characters can't tell you what's on my mind
-Myspace I stopped updating it at least a year or more ago so I deleted it like a month or 2 ago, MYspace give me MY -- space back

I only have my blogs<
tumblr
blogger: which is very new because I used to keep up with blogger feeds but I lost all the links when my laptop crashed in the summer
now I have my own blogspot so every link is saved

Omg "get out of my head or pay rent"...... and these are the blogs I follow plus the bloggers I can learn something from

My favorite tumblr's

(My go to blogs in no particular order)

http://bryantsupreme.tumblr.com/
-Bryants blog is full of his dope photography I just love it and he's  very blunt

http://jfkennedy.tumblr.com/
-kennedy shares alot of his off beat stories he comes up with that are very believable (between which he vents about life rarely his life but things that go on around him)

http://simplydop3.tumblr.com/
-Marvins a sweetheart very much into producing art/ music/ photography

http://doorknockersandrollers.tumblr.com/
-"aww cee-cee" Ciara she's one of the most honest woman online about her life.... I like that she doesn't hold much back (if she is feeling terrible for whatever reason & maybe in tear; she blogs about it, if she's in a love dove-y mood and she feeling the love bug and everything that goes with it (a conflicted heart I guess you can call it) she blogging about it, if she is horny she let's you know and encourages you to get off as well. ALL AND ALL
Ciara lets you know she's human too

http://deathofagenius.tumblr.com/
-This dude is new to my dash, so far I like his writing style. I don't know what to call it, he writes in riddles. and I get it

http://str8nochaser.tumblr.com/
-This lady's new to my dash too
"Christina D. straight no chaser *And even after all my logic and my theory, I add a motherfucker so you ignant niggas hear me*"

it was just a couple days ago when I found her blog and I went through quite a few pages + a few "lol", "aww"s, "really though"s..... at her antics
she's a straight shooter. she's like a good gossip session with your friends in one blog
the "awww"s come in when she mentions her husband
everythings like "really though" and you just smile

(I dont go looking for these blogs but i very much enjoy seeing these bloggers posts come across my dash)

http://pullmydreads.tumblr.com/
-I love locs and I had them at one time
a man with a nice set of locs gets a plus in my book

http://logicalexplanation.tumblr.com/
-logic is Marvin's friend he to is into media, he does alot of cool stuff with CSS Photoshop, painting on the computer..... DOPE

http://lionofbedstuy.tumblr.com/
-i don't know much about Josh but he shares his true life stories, I like them

http://blackloveposter.tumblr.com/
-if I want to remember black love still exists I read this blog

CHURCH!!!!

Listen to "Paid" off Eric Benét's new CD

that song is Chuurrrccchh!!!

*shimmy+ two step*

Then listen to "Stir it up" off the same album

Then listen to "Lately" by him that's the dedication song/ wedding song
I'm not sure of that title right because it seems my playlist is screwed up

more thighs

the fro

POW!!!! THIGHS

I love leggings and textured tights

Music is so important to me

I can do without TV

I love when I find songs that go with my mood

My mood right now is a mix of
-"Stuttering" by Jazmine Sullivan
listen to it: sometimes I just don't know what to say and I can blame it on my lack of knowledge on his demeanor (how will he take what I have to say) I don't have experience approaching guys so I'm stuck
like I said HELLO what else can say. I was so close to telling him everything

- "Number one" by Chrisette Michele
listen to it: basically its like this; "I gotta be my own one and only I'll be my own number one"
I've been rolling solo for so long. I come first to myself *no questions*. If ever get into a relationship (le sigh) in this lifetime I'm not going to lose myself in him.


those two songs stick out hard body (lol who says that anymore) they go with my mood

there's a couple others songs I just uploaded that I really like & will blog about

Adding new music to my phone

-Chrisette Michele "Let freedom reign"
"Let freedom reign" {the single} is being added to this blogs playlist

-Jazmine Sullivan "Love me back"

-Eric Benet "Lost in time"
"Sometimes I cry" i love this song

YEAH BOYYYY I got new stuff to listen to thank you daddy
I don't buy music at all I just upload his stash to my phone or computer whenever I get around to getting to his house

And I have other ways of get the music I like that he doesn't have

I'm really digging my fro today

Bad habits

messing with my phone when I should be sleeping.... ie. blogging from my Droid (between my tumblr and this blog)

I have class in the morning
I hate Mondays


overslept Saturday morning missed the first lecture session for my Physics class

aggghhh Physics >:x ....

AND what was I doing til the weeee hours of the morning

Messing with blogger

What's in your bag??

My camera because I want to capture the moments before they are forgotten

I can be very needy

like right now

I'm just dying for my phone to ring and he's on the line wanting to talk to me

Even if its just to say hello

I want human contact

I want to speak in soft monotones about sweet nothing's

I mean so what if I end up using all my daytime minutes, it wont bother me..... its worthy cause

But nothing would be better than face to face time

What I wouldn't give for a few stolen moments

Thoughts

I love them but I'm not trying to head into the city to see Santa @ Macy's with them. I've got to do my photography homework. Yes I can probably get some good shots of my nephews with Santa. But I'm not in the mood for the headache that comes from being around my sisters and father at the same time.

I'm don't want to do holiday stuff with family, that's normal. I want new memories. I would love to roam the city with someone special taking pictures. Going anywhere during the holidays reminds me how single I am. I REALLY HATE IT and it shows in my face.

I have

I have in grain in my mind what it would be like to have someone
I have someone I would love and cherish
What
I have is my better than man
Maybe what I really have is nothing
Because
I have an invisible man in my life,
You see
I have this overactive imagination
That this man fell out of the sky
I have this man I can call my own
In my mind
And for all of 5 seconds a day he is in my reality
Because truth be told he is invisible
He can’t possibly be in my reality
In order for this man to be real
I have to be able to touch him….. Right
I want to touch the man
I have to know I am not the only one to see him….. Right
I want to be able to sense this man with all of my 5 senses for him to be real
I want to be able to see the passion in his eyes
I want to be able to hear the timber of his voice
I want to be able to taste his Love
I want to be able to breathe in the scent of him
What good is he to me if I’m the only one that knows about him?
This man, I have is a figment of my inner most thoughts
He isn’t a part of my reality
I have this powerful feeling I have the love someone is in dear need of
I have a heart
I have a body
I have a mind
I have a soul
And
I have this invisible man
But what does he have to offer me

Original posted:

HERE: http://onlybme.tumblr.com/post/802260156/i-have-23apr10-i-have-in-grain-in-my-mind-what-it

 AND HERE: http://onlybme.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/i-have/